So there it is. The first anniversary. exactly one year ago today I was in the hospital holding your hand as you slowly got colder and colder. I still remember the frost overtaking your lips and the look on your face vividly. But thats not how I want to remember you. Today I want to think about all of the good times we had together, when you would dance around the kitchen to T.Rex and The Beatles or when we would decorate the house for christmas.
Although were celebrating your life today, spreading the ashes and having a BBQ in your garden, like you always loved to do. Its still a reminder that you’re not here anymore, and thats hard to deal with. I don’t feel anymore down or emotional than I have done every other day since you left, but I feel like today is a thing we ‘have’ to do, like society dictates we must commemorate this day like a social event, like mothers day or christmas. Like its just another excuse for shops to make money on other peoples pain, because I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t particularly want to remember the day you died, the day I lost the person who meant everything to me. I don’t want to have yet another reminder that you won’t see me graduate, or get married or have my first child. Like I don’t think about that every single time I see a mother with a new born or someone else from my school getting engaged.
I feel like its happening all over again. Getting messages and cards from people saying ‘thinking of you’ and asking how I am. its all very lovely and I’m grateful to have those people around me who care, but its all just another reminder of that first blur of a week where we were inundated with all of that stuff, except this time its not as much of a blur because the reality has well and truly sunk in.
Just because its the first anniversary, doesn’t mean I’m going to think about you anymore than I already do, because I don’t even think thats possible. But I will try and smile today and be happy for you, because I know you’re at peace and all you ever wanted was for us to be happy.