I was fine this morning. But I guess that’s what it does to you. grief. it hits you hard in the face when you least expect it. Over the smallest of things. As a matter of fact this time its actually quite a big thing, the anniversary. And not just any anniversary, but the first one.
My head has been so all over the place over the last week or so. I’ve found myself becoming really forgetful and generally just in a world of my own a lot of the time. I’m going from feeling really great and bubbly to feeling so low that I just want to curl up in a ball under my duvet and forget the world even exists. As much as I know that when I force myself to get up early in the morning and have a really productive day I feel so much better for it, but sometimes I physically cannot drag myself out of bed because I feel so crap.
Its a week today until mums anniversary. 27th May. I’ve noticed that I haven’t smelled her in a long time. I have her perfume in my draw, but its not the same. It’s not her real, natural smell. Im slowly forgetting what she sounds like. I have a short clip on my desktop of mum reading some instructions on christmas day a couple of years ago and the more i play it the less familiar it sounds. It’s like she was all a dream.
If you’ve never lost a loved one like this then reading this you probably think I’m being over dramatic. But I’m not. It may get easier with time, but its still always there.
I haven’t had a day like this for a little while. There was a time, a couple of months ago, before I started working at B&Q while I was still on my uni course, hating every moment of it that I had A LOT of down days. Where I wouldn’t leave the house, I wouldn’t leave my bed, I wouldn’t take care of myself and I wouldn’t be a nice person to be around. It started to effect my relationship quite badly and thats when I knew that I needed to stop letting myself be like that. Mum wouldn’t want that. At the moment the way I’m dealing with it is to keep my mind focused on as many things as possible, which doesn’t always work, but I enjoy having a productive mind. Thats where my blog comes in!
thats enough for one day. I think its time for me to get some rest.