As this post is only a 2017 bucket list I’m going to treat it more as a ‘Goals list’ for the year instead. As were already in may (which is absolutely crazy) and new years resolutions have been and gone there’s still lots that I’d like to achieve throughout the rest of the year and beyond, but I do already have a lot of set in stone plans, so I feel like I can’t really describe it as a Bucket list.
This being my main plan for the year, it’s only right it’s at the top of the list! over July and August I’m going on a 3 week solo adventure around Europe, (i’ll be taking you with me don’t worry!). Now I know to a lot of people 3 weeks really won’t sound much more than an extended holiday but to me it’s a BIG DEAL. Why its such a big deal for me will hopefully become more clear to you throughout my coming posts, if not this one itself. But for now all you need to know is that I’m going on an adventure!
- WORRY/STRESS LESS
You know how in friends Ross gets divorced all the time and Phoebe says that, that’s his ‘thing’? Well worrying is my thing. I worry about EVERYTHING. before Ileave the house I make a list in my head to make sure I’ve turned my straighteners off, the heating’s off, the ovens off (even if I haven’t used it), the back doors locked and that I know the whereabouts of both of my cats. And this is all the time. Even if I’m just popping down to my corner shop. A LOT can happen in 10 minutes.
Although I do think that making that list in my head is just being extra safe and even though it might be a bit OTT to some people, I don’t really see that much of a harm in it. except the fact that after I leave the house I still constantly worry that something bad is going to happen before I get home again.
Thats not all I worry about, I always find myself taking more of the negatives out of a situation than the positives and then I’ll sit and run them through my head over and over until I’ve convinced myself that its the end of the world. Which really doesn’t work wonders for my stress levels.
So my aim this year is to worry less about silly little things that I either can’t avoid or can’t change. Instead of overthinking all of the negatives I try and talk myself down and out of the situation all together and put my mind on something else. I’ve been reading some mindfulness books and articles and listening to tapes to meditate too, to try and empty my mind a bit every now and then. It doesn’t always completely work, but I think thats okay, I still feel more relaxed.
- GAIN BACK SOME CONFIDENCE
If you’ve read my first post you’ll know that over the last year I’ve lost a lot of confidence after losing my mum. I’m not sure if the people around me have noticed too much because I can disguise it well but I can feel it in myself that theres been situations that this time last year I would have had no bother walking into without a care in the world, but now I’ll still be in the situation but ill feel so uncomfortable and nervous that I’m more than likely on the verge of tears.
In all honesty I think this is one of the main reasons I left my university course, and the job that I had last year. I had to leave my job anyway because uni took up 5 days of my week but I still never felt right being there after I came back from bereavement leave. I lost a lot of confidence in my art as well and even now I haven’t really done anything for a while. nothing that I’ve been happy with anyways.
- BE MORE CREATIVE
Which brings me onto numero 4. I was always really into painting and drawing as a child, I did art at GCSE, got my Level 3 at college, did a Foundation Diploma and then started uni. But baring in mind that in my Foundation Diploma I specialised in 3D design. However I feel like I’ve completely lost my mojo since starting a Fine art degree. It just wasn’t what I expected at all and I craved to have the structure of a project the whole time I was there. I know I am creative and I can produce some good pieces when I really put my mind to it. but I think thats just it. I can’t put my mind to it at the minute because my mind is on so many other things. I was told at uni to use how I felt about losing mum as a muse in my work and I know so many other artists use their pain and suffering as a basis for their amazing careers, one of my favourites being Frida Kahlo. But I just couldn’t. Nothing felt like I was doing mum
any justice at all. It all felt too personal to me and I didn’t want to splatter that across walls for people to gawk at.
- SELL MUMS HOUSE
This might sound like a strange one to a few people. But at the moment me and my family are in the process of renovating my mums house to sell. Yes that house is where I grew up and holds nearly all of my childhood memories but now its quickly becoming a nasty reminder of the last year and its time to move on from it. Mum was slowly decorating parts of the house incase of this exact situation as she wanted us to get the most we could from the sale. So I’ve taken lead as project manager to get the house to a great standard and do it, and mum justice. Property development is a path that I’d really like to take so this is an amazing opportunity to get my foot in the door (literally..ha!) and I think once its done it’ll be a great sense of satisfaction.
That’s all for now. I’ve realised that setting myself too many goals becomes unachievable and makes me feel like I’ve failed. which is definitely not a feeling I’d like to have. when I achieve one I’ll replace it with another so I’m continuously working towards something and hopefully continuously building back my self-esteem.